Kris Sharma is an actor, writer, and comedian. He’s co-written the web series Acting School Academy, as well as the feature film Trade In, which was just released on DVD. You can find his profanity-laden essays at www.krissharma.com.

You’ve conquered the world of stage and screen. You’ve done plays, films, television. Maybe you’ve even been in an improv group. But there’s still one part of the performance world that intrigues you.

Stand-up comedy.

I was in your shoes four years ago. Despite doing improv and sketch comedy for nearly a decade, I was always intimidated by stand-up. It seemed like such an incredibly lonely artform. Just standing there, squinting at the bright lights, and hoping to amuse an audience of strangers.

But eventually I did make the transition and it’s been amazing. There’s nothing like killing in a packed house, completely owning the audience and knowing that anything you do will be golden. So if you’ve always wanted to try stand-up, hopefully this article will help you navigate the weirdness on your journey to becoming a comic.

A word on comedy classes

Once you decide to get started doing comedy, you’ll probably have the instinct to go seek out instruction. That’s what you do as a good acting student, right? Think again.

I’m sure to burn a few bridges with this statement, but who cares? Stand-up classes are completely worthless. They’re taught by a) people who have never done stand-up in their lives or b) mediocre comics that need money. That’s it. Some people might disagree with this statement, but I can guarantee you they are not actual comedians.

In fact, I’ve never met a single good comic who has taken one of those classes. Not one. And I’ve never seen an ad for a stand-up class and thought “Wow, I bet that person has some insightful things to share.” Those classes are a hustle, plain and simple. (See why I’m not worried about burning a bridge by calling these people out?)

The only, only, only way to learn how to do stand-up is by getting onstage and doing it. That’s it. There are no shortcuts or cute lessons that can get you around that. I could go on and on about this, but Doug Stanhope (probably the best comedian working right now) has already done a great essay on these hucksters here.

Getting Started

There are really only two things you need to do to get started in stand-up.

1) Write five minutes of material

2) Go to an open mic.

That’s it. I know it seems a bit obnoxious that I wrote this out, but it’s for a good reason. So many people talk themselves out of getting on stage because they over-complicate things. They think they need to take a class, develop their stage persona, or a million other inane reasons. Trust me. You don’t. Just follow those two steps and see what happens.

The first part is as simple as it sounds. Write five minutes of jokes. A single sheet of paper is usually about five minutes, in my experience. You can record yourself and time it out. And it’s always best to have a few too many jokes than not enough. Five minutes can be an incredibly long time when you’ve run out of material.

Don’t worry about your style or your persona or anything like that. You don’t have a style yet. You probably won’t for a couple of years. Just write things that YOU find funny. If it makes you laugh, you’re on the right track.

A lot of new comics spend their time trying to figure out what the audience will find funny. That’s an impossible game. But if you find something funny and you’re coming from a truthful place, the audience will connect to that. And your list of topics is limitless. Your personal life, your family, your observations about the world—go crazy.

Now that you’ve written some material, grab that notebook and head over to your first open mic.

The Open Mic

The great thing about stand-up is that you’ll know immediately whether or not you want to pursue it. You’ll either come offstage hungry to perform or you’ll want to never, ever go near any place that has a 2 drink minimum.

Some places charge a cover for open mics. Other places may ask you to buy a drink. And some open mics are completely free. Definitely focus on the latter. For a list of open mics all around the country, you can go to www.badslava.com.

The procedures are pretty much the same wherever you go. You’ll put your name on a list and then you and a dozen or so other comics will be put on that lineup. The MC will introduce you and then the stage is yours. When you have a minute left, they’ll flash a red or blue light at you. This is your cue to wrap up your set. Note: DO NOT make a habit of running the light (i.e. going over your time). It’s a good way to get banned from a club.

And don’t worry if you don’t get a huge response at an open mic. A lot of the time, the other open mic-ers are looking over their own notes and will barely even pay attention to you. Just have fun. As an actor, you’ll have a leg up with regards to stage presence, physicality, and connecting with the audience. And you’ll have experience with memorizing lots of material and having it sound natural.

But it will still be a pretty big transition. Just getting used to holding a microphone and walking around might take a little while. It’s perfectly normal and we all had to go through it. And if you bomb (have a bad set), don’t worry. Again, it’s happened to everyone. Just keep at it. Eventually, you’ll get comfortable and doing a set will be as natural as brushing your teeth.

Also, the “Big Three” clubs in LA (Improv, Comedy Store, Laugh Factory) all have free open mics. They’re a bit tough to get on regularly, since 40-50 comics go to sign up for 15 slots. I’d recommend going to these clubs after you’ve been onstage for a while, since those places typically are a springboard for a showcase in front of the club’s booker. Trust me, you don’t want anyone important to see your set during your first couple of months.

Homework

In addition to writing and going to open mics, make sure you spend some time watching standup. Go to live shows as often as you can. “What’s Up, Tiger Lilly?” is a free show every Monday night in Hollywood. Comedy Death Ray at UCB is five bucks. And once you make friends with other comics, it’s pretty easy to get put on the guest list at different clubs in the city.

And it’s fun to just hang out with other comics. The bar at the Hollywood Improv is always a good spot. And at the Comedy Store, comics can watch shows for free if they have space in the showroom.

Watch standup on television or online. Pay attention to the timing, the structure, the craft that goes into the routines of the top comedians. Here are some wonderful comics to check out, in no particular order:

George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Eddie Murphy, Margaret Cho, Chris Rock, Dave Chapelle, Eddie Izzard, Sarah Silverman, Joe Rogan, Doug Stanhope, Greg Giraldo, Mitch Hedburg, Katt Williams, and Sam Kinison.

Closing Thoughts

Comedy is a cruel mistress. It’s demanding. You’ll agonize over the specific wording of a joke until it’s right. You’ll play coffee shops, bars, and every other imaginable venue you can, just to get better. You’ll deal with shady promoters, drunk audiences, and incredibly late nights on a regular basis.

It’s one of the only artforms where you can get booed or heckled at every level of your career. Nobody yells “Hey, fuck you!” to Yo-Yo Ma or Brian Dennehey in the middle of a performance. There’s always an element of danger when you’re doing stand-up. Anything can happen.

But despite all this, stand-up is an exhilarating and wonderful experience. You are in complete control of your performance. You have no directors, no other performers, and no one’s words but your own. You get to connect directly with the audience, without any filter, and share your opinions about the world. When everything comes together, it’s magical. And there’s no moment better than the split second of silence just before the audience explodes with laughter.