Matthew Jay is an actor and writer who is originally from Great Neck, New York. He is the oldest of three children. In New York, he studied theater and received the Jean Dalrymple award for best actor for his portrayal of Edward De Vere in Shakespeare Undiscovered with the American Theater of Actors. His television credits include CSI Miami, Chuck, Sex and the City, All My Children, The Guiding Light, One Life to Live and As the World Turns. Some of his Voice Over credits include Coke, McDonalds, Toyota, Nascar, Partnership for a Drug Free America, NBC, Vimovo, and Molson. He has also been skiing for 25 years, is a certified EMT, and volunteers for an organization that rescues dogs. He resides in Silverlake with his dog Jessie.

This article was first printed here.

A girl of about 18 was getting ready to go to college. She was nervous, scared, emotional….she looked to her mother for guidance. Her mother was wise. So one day the mother called her daughter downstairs. There were three pots of boiling water. The mother said, “What do you see here?” The daughter replied, “Ummm, I see three pots of boiling water.” Then next to the pots of boiling water the mother had a few items laid out next to each other; some carrots, an egg, and ground coffee beans. The mother asked, “What do you see here?” The daughter now replied, “I see carrots, an egg, and some ground coffee.” The mother then put the carrots in one pot, the egg, in another pot, and the coffee beans in another pot. After about 20 minutes the mother took the carrots out of the pot and had her daughter feel them. She noticed that the carrots had become weak and mushy. Her mother had her daughter peel the egg and noted that it became hard boiled. The pot with the coffee beans however was now filled with coffee. The mother poured a cup for her and her daughter and it was delicious and they sat and enjoyed it together. Now the mother asked her daughter “Which of these are you?” The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water and made something wonderful.

So, which are you? “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?” Think of this my fellow readers: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with challenge and hardship do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a soft heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or an audition that I bombed, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the coffee bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When things really get to their worst, do you use that to your advantage? You can. And you should. My Rabbi told that story as part of his sermon during the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah. I felt compelled to share it with all of you, my good readers.

It’s January. Many of us may be looking back on the year of 2010 and maybe we wonder if we did everything we could for our acting careers. Did we get as many meetings or auditions as we wanted? Did we book as many jobs as we wanted? Did we feel overall it was a good year for us??  Have we written a list of goals for this year?  I went to a very interesting topical discussion at The Actors Network yesterday led by actor, writer, public speaker, and all around cool guy Kevin E. West. The discussion was based around actors and how they really only focus on the “result” of their acting journey and not the “process” itself. Eckhart Tolle wrote a whole book about a similar subject called “The Power of Now”. It’s basically living in the “Now”, in the moment, and not beating yourself up about the past or worrying about the future. Kevin spoke about how important it is to really love the process, the entire process of the acting journey. And the process really encompasses a lot. For example, he said from beginning to end, there are 100 steps involved in headshots. From the initial thought of deciding to take a headshot to the final step of getting them printed, there are actually 100 steps in order to do it right. Do you love the entire process of those 100 steps? Chances are if you do, you will get better headshots than if you don’t. Most of the times actors experience joy in this business is when we are performing something, right? Isn’t that why we all do this, don’t we love the actual performance?  But what about when we are not performing? Do we really enjoy the process of doing what it takes to perform in something?  Now I will be the first to admit and I even raised my hand and said to Kevin, “Dude, I agree but you have to admit that there is no better feeling than when you get the call saying that you got the job.” And Kevin agreed. However, if all you focus on is getting that phone call and nothing else, you are in for a very miserable career. So what else do you enjoy about the business?  Kevin had us write down a truly joyous time in our acting career that was not performance related. I immediately thought of a few.

The one I wrote down was about an actress friend of mine. We sat for coffee one day and she picked my brain on the world of voiceover. I gave her some advice, a few resources, a few good tidbits of information and sent her on her way. Now she is a mover and a shaker and she took my advice to heart and went to work immediately. Two to three months later, (the actual time eludes me) I get an email from her. Apparently she had just signed with Imperium 7 for voiceover! As I read that email I felt nothing short of pure bliss. Now I certainly didn’t get her signed. I don’t even have any connections at I7. She got it because she works hard and she’s very talented. But knowing that I had a hand in it, even if it was just giving her a small push and showing her a few things brought complete joy to my heart. Help your fellow actors. They are not competition.  Your only true competition out there is yourself. Try focusing on some actor related but non-performance related things that really make you happy. I love to go to casting director workshops and push a few buttons. When I go in and the room is dead silent and everyone is judging each other and staring each other down and being cold and catty I go in there and shake a few people up. “So how is everyone today, did we all have a good week?” People look at me like I’m crazy but a few respond “Yeah, yeah it was pretty good”. I then say “Is no one gonna ask me how my week has been?” A few people laugh and ask “How was your week?” And I tell them a few fun things I did this week, maybe a movie I saw or something I found funny. Before I know it, everyone in the room is talking, the energy in the room is better, and people are a little more supportive of each other when they go up to do scenes. That brings me joy. That is a part of the process I love. I used to hate casting director workshops but now embrace them, finding them to be a necessary evil, and just make them fun for me. Are you a phone person? Maybe the adrenaline rush of making a blind phone call is fun to you? Maybe feeling the nerves kicking in when you go to do a dropoff is like heroine. Do you LOVE auditioning? I know I do. And it took me a long time to really LOVE them but interning at a casting office helped find the joy in it. An easy way to enjoy auditioning more is to just let go.
Don’t put so much weight on it. Don’t focus on how important it is for career to book this, that’s only focusing on the result.  Have it be no big deal to you. You all know the famous quote “Putting the P—y on the pedestal.” What happens when you do that? Nothing good. Don’t ever put any fucking auditions on a pedestal. They are just not worth it. You ever wonder why you book that no paying student film? Probably because you didn’t give a shit about it when you went in to audition. It’s just
another group of people you get to perform in front of.

Start this year off right.  It’s pilot season right now and lots of fun things are going on. Go write some letters, go do some dropoffs, submit yourself on Actors Access for a bunch of things. And LOVE every minute of it. You guys are leading the lives that many people working boring office jobs wish they could lead. Go be that little fucking coffee bean and jump in some boiling water. Remember, its not so much the actual dream itself but the PURSUIT of a dream, that is reason
enough to be loving life.